Health and Safety at Hogwarts
by Bobmetric
Summary: A mysterious notice keeps appearing on the Hogwarts School Notice Board....100 suggestions for how to survive your seven years. Illustration at http://bobmetric.


**A notice posted on the Hogwarts school notice board.**

_Dear Fellow Students,_

_Please read the below suggestions on how to best survive your stay at Hogwarts._

_Yours emphatically,_

_--- The HPAS_

**Health and Safety at Hogwarts – How to survive your seven years**

1. Stay away from Harry Potter

2. No we really mean it – stay away: just ask Cedric Diggory, Sirius Black, Severus Snape, Albus Dumbledore, James and Lily Potter, Remus Lupin, Nymphadora Tonks-Lupin, Fred Weasley, Barty Crouch Sr., Hedwig, Alastor 'Mad-Eye' Moody, Dobby, Colin Creevey, Tom Riddle and all his little friends. See what we mean?

3. Don't give personal details to unknown remnants of past students

4. Secret corridors don't always lead to a treasure chamber – no matter what Nintendo tells you

5. Maps and miscellaneous items found lying around will not always have your best interests in mind – no matter what Nintendo tells you

6. Always look both ways before crossing the corridor – you never know when a speeding half giant might come around the corner

7. If the professors tell you to stay in your room it's generally advisable to do so

8. Don't try to stop the Golden Trio – they may petrify you, and they won't even mean it

9. Initiative is all fine and well, but sometimes it may prove fatal

10. Don't try and be too interesting – the book will focus on you and your death will become a plot point

11. Try to get sorted into Ravenclaw or Hufflepuff – you have a greater chance of survival

12. Be careful who you trust – the polyjuice potion is quite popular these days

13. Don't become friendly with the DADA teacher – just don't.

14. In fact, don't get friendly with any of the teachers...except perhaps Madame Pomfrey and Professor Sprout

15. Try to hang out in Herbology or the Medical Wing as much as possible...except after Quidditch matches and at the end of term (see point no. 1)

16. Go home at every possible chance

17. Try and catch a nasty, but non-fatal, disease when nearing the end of the school year – preferably infectious and unable to cure by magic

18. If you see a large, black dog on campus: keep your distance. This is not superstition, see point 1.

19. Don't attend Quidditch matches is Slytherin or Gryffindor are involved – everyone else can play without catastrophe

20. Listen to Dumbledore – he knows what he's doing

21. If they say Voldemort has returned – BELIEVE THEM!

22. Never assume that evil has finally been defeated – come September it will be back again

23. If Hagrid offers you a rock cake, store it for future self defence

24. DO NOT FOLLOW THE SPIDERS

25. Keep away from the girl's bathroom on the second floor.

26. If there's anything intriguing going on: turn your back and walk away

27. If Harry Potter is creating a scene, turn around and walk away

28. If Draco Malfoy is creating a scene, turn around and walk away

29. Never talk politics

30. Stay in your room as much as possible

31. If school closes, go into hiding. The fidelius charm is useful in these situations.

32. Don't attempt a double bluff, this may backfire. For reference see James and Lily Potter.

33. If Snape says something is for your own protection, believe him.

34. Do not use Harry Potter as a reference point for your own beliefs.

35. To reinforce this, see no. 2

36. If at all possible, if a big battle is approaching, go to Japan or any other Asian country – Voldemort only operates in Europe.

37. If you are invited to join the Order of the Pheonix, don't.

38. If you are invited to join the DA, don't. You can find DADA books in the Library.

39. Practice these spells in a small group of trusted friends, under veritaserum.

40. Use veritaserum before every meeting, in fact make a habit of keeping a small bottle on you at all times.

41. Practice muggle self-defence – they'll never expect it.

42. Keep away from Harry Potter*

43. Learn a few confusing random quotes to baffle opponents when you are threatened. This is called a delaying tactic and will give you time to run away.

44. 'No one expects the Spanish Inquisition!' Learn and repeat.

45. It is not called running away, it is called a strategic retreat. As a wise man once said: "whoever heard of a wormskin rug?"

46. Always asses the situation before entering the room.

47. Follow 'Potter watch' religiously...and head in the complete opposite direction (see no. 1)

48. On nights of the full moon, lock yourself in your room.

49. He's a nice guy and he has a potion, but you have to be careful.

50. Don't get too attached to the nice teachers (see no. 2)

51. Arrive at Platform 9 ¾ as early as possible to secure a safe position (see no. 1)

52. During the Triwizard tournament, suck up to the other teachers as much as possible to try and arrange an exchange programme – for that year (and Harry Potter's seventh year – it'll all come to a head then)

53. Have as broad a friendship network as possible so that there's always someone to run to.

54. Don 't spend too much time in the library – Hermione might try to befriend you

55. If Hagrid invites you to a tea party, decline as politely as possible (see no. 1)

56. Don't play Quidditch (see point no. 1)

57. Any item or product with the production labels of 'Marauders' or 'Weasley' must be avoided at all costs

58. As soon as possible, memorise 'Fantastic Beasts...' and a good herbology book on dangerous plants. This knowledge will come in useful.

59. If you can't avoid Harry, pretend to be German and take offense at everything he says – he'll probably avoid you after the first tirade of German insults.

60. Tame your copy of 'The Monster Book of Monters' and train it to be an attack book. Keep it in your school bag at all times.

61. Make sure your parents love you very much – this will come in very useful if Voldemort ever targets you: he can't regenerate himself from _everyone's_ blood.

62. On that point, learn as much old magic as you can – these books can be found in the restricted section (be sure to have full permission and enter this area only during daylight hours).

63. Keep to your curfew – see point no. 1

64. Dedicate time each day to finding new escape routes from the castle – this will come in handy during death eater attacks, and Harry can't know _every_ single one.

65. If this is not possible keep a mortar bomb on you at all times....but be careful to read the instruction manual first

66. Try to purchase a taser gun – the stupefy charm is too easily deflected. Please remember that this will only work outside Hogwarts. If possible try and develop a magical equivalent. Arthur Weasley may be able to assist you with this, but be careful to keep correspondence solely to Owls.

67. Make sure all your belongings are easily packable – if at all possible live out of your trunk.

68. Make sure you always know where your passport is and keep a ready supply of various muggle currencies.

69. Avoid all school-wide gatherings, Harry Potter will be there and you never know.

70. Don't worry if people tease you for being anti-social and paranoid – you'll be the one laughing when they're all dead.

71. Avoid any emotional attachment to school idols, especially if they have any connection to...oh you know who we mean by now.

72. Avoid anyone who has any connection (no matter how slight) to the aforementioned person.

73. Learn as many languages as possible

74. Practice your disillusionment charms.

75. Do not be afraid to use the same spells as your opponents – sticking to the noble ones is not effective, no matter how good at them you are (see no. 2)

76. If by any chance you end up in a strange and unexpected place when you grab an object, repeat that last action.

77. Don't worry about leaving Harry Potter behind – it's not like he'll die.

78. If he reproaches you later, remind him that he's the chosen one – this should inflate his head enough to distract him. In any case, what are you doing? See no. 1!

79. Expect everything – Moody was right in his assessment of constant vigilance (too bad he didn't follow this himself). This may save your life (see point no.2)

80. Be open to all theories, and listen to all warnings – even Luna Lovegood's. A little bit of paranoia goes a long way.

81. Rather worrying about the dark omens in your divination, make sure you plan an avoidance strategy, or at the very least – damage control

82. Make sure you understand all your financial details, so you will be able to access them from anywhere in the world.

83. Learn as much from Madame Pomfrey as you can – really this should have been higher up, but if you've followed all of our instructions you shouldn't need it.

84. Don't consider training to become an Auror

85. Don't do your work experience at the Ministry of Magic

86. Avoid the department of mysteries at all costs

87. If you are invited to any Slug-Club event, don't go

88. In fact, avoid clubs all together, they'll only tie you down and you never know who'll try and introduce you to Harry.

89. During the summer, avoid Surrey and Devon – they aren't interesting counties anyway.

90. Order your school supplies by owl.

91. If you have to visit Diagon Alley, go to the smaller, less well known shops. DO NOT ON ANY ACCOUNT BE TEMPTED TO VISIT WEASLEY'S WIZARD WHEEZES.

92. Knockturn Alley is not a 'cool place to hang out'

93. Acromantulas do not make 'cute pets'. They may look cute as babies but... Acromantulas are for life, not just for Christmas.

94. The Great Lake is not a 'nice place for a swim'.

95. The Forbidden Forest is not a 'nice place for a stroll'.

96. Professor Snape's store cupboard is not a good place to go for a snack. For one thing, Severus gets rather shirty about it.

97. House-elves are not sensible enemies to make – they can take revenge in small, malicious ways. (They run everything – from the shadows)

98. Never, on any account, say "Things have been rather peaceful lately, haven't they?" – They won't be for much longer if you do.

99. Reconsider your choice of educational institution. Hogwarts may be the best school in Europe, but not necessarily the world.

100. And, finally, never forget rule one.

*this is significantly important.

_- Albus, please keep these children under control. Apparently they've started appearing in the common rooms! -- Minerva_

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_A/N:_

_Hi all, Bob here. _

_This list relates to a fiction that we're currently writing under the provisional title of "HPAS". Chapters will start popping up fairly soon~ish. Illustrations, updates and our random thoughts get posted at _.com/

_Well, that's it for now._

_(P.S. Metric says hi)_


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